Apparently I have opinions about Disney Channel's "ANT Farm", so this happened

     Unfrozen child stars from the 1980s (?)

When it comes to my television viewing, I can be a bit of a masochist. Last night, for no reason in particular, I decided to watch the bulk of a "Two and a Half Men" rerun, even though I find every aspect of that show to be dreadful - it's misogynistic, it's lazily written to the extent that it actually once used the very old "more chins than a Chinese phonebook" joke, it thinks crudeness and overt sexuality automatically equals comedy, the laugh track is obnoxiously loud, its stars are greatly overpaid considering what they're being asked to do, it panders to idiocy, it aspires to absolutely nothing, it's killed much better television shows that deserve good ratings, but most importantly, it's just not funny. And when I talk about how bad the show is, I don't mean that the show sucks now that Charlie Sheen is gone. The show was no better when he was around.

This sense of masochism is largely how I watch anything meant for children. See, as a product of the 1990s, I have the privilege...well, less so than in the past...to be part of an elite group of people in their late teens and early twenties who get to bitch about how kids TV these days is significantly worse than it used to be. Go-to examples to take shots at include "Hannah Montana" and "Wizards of Waverly Place", or really anything currently airing on the Disney Channel.

In my opinion, this sentiment has become cool and not everything made for kids these days is a horrid wasteland. Could I name a kids' show right now that I enjoy? No, but that's probably only because I don't really watch these shows anymore. This is not to say, though, that there isn't ample evidence on television that children's programming has become nothing more than 21 or so minutes of fame-obsessed nihilism. Case in point: Disney Channel's "ANT Farm".

Showtime's "Episodes" sucks: Here's how to make it better

     The greatest comedians of our lifetime, the stars of the most
     important and influential television comedy of our generation.

Showtime's "Episodes", allegedly a comedy series, has not made me laugh once in nine episodes. So I came up with some ways to make the show better, or perhaps to improve your viewing experience. Even though I suggested refocusing the show on other characters/anatomical parts, Matt LeBlanc has to get credit for starring in a TV show in 2012 and not being the worst part of it. Here are my suggestions:

- Matt LeBlanc's gigantic penis becomes the new star of the show. Also, the penis can talk and suddenly "Episodes" starts beating its timeslot competitor, a reviled American remake of a beloved British comedy, in the ratings. They could keep LeBlanc to do a funny voice for the penis if they wanted to

- The head of comedy becomes the new star of the show. She can make funny faces and talk in her pseudo-valley girl voice and everyone will LOL

- The smarmy network lady who tells lies on behalf of the network president should have to interact with Superintendent Chalmers in every scene. Even Chalmers becomes skeptical of her lies

- Showtime subscriptions will now come with a fax machine. This will allow all the hacky multi-cam sitcom jokes to be immediately identified as jokes to the home viewers

- Every time Character A beats around the bush about something, finally says what's on their mind, followed by Character B saying "There it is!" without missing a beat, Louis C.K. and Michael Schur each get twenty dollars

- When a character pauses to wait for the non-existant laugh track applause to subside, drink an entire bottle of wine

- Sean and Beverly should literally faint whenever they find out that someone in the entertainment business told them a lie

- Wouldn't this be an awesome venue for the Friends reunion which is totally happening?!?!?!?! I heard Jennifer Aniston is dropping everything to jump at this incredible opportunity!!!!!!!!!!!

- Have the fictional Matt LeBlanc finally host "Saturday Night Live" in which "Pucks!" is parodied in a sketch. Sean and Beverly complain that SNL took a beloved staple of American comedy and ruined it. Also, CBS/NBC peace summit or something.

- An entire episode where David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik fight television critics to the death, a la the fight scene in "Anchorman". Episode will be titled "Class Warfare"

If this were an actual episode of "Episodes", this would be the point where I'd clarify that everything I had just said immediately before was meant to be viewed comedically and I'm not actually suggesting that these things would improve the show. It's called sarcasm, you see. It's a pretty high form of wit, so it's understandable that you wouldn't be familiar.

There were a lot of characters on "Friday Night Lights" I wished I would never see again

     Clockwise from top: Kat McPhee on "Smash," star of "Off
     the Map" and "The Mob Doctor," typecasted murderer, girl
     who asked the question to Miss Teen South Carolina,
     has volleyball under special skills on her resume, Canadian
     box office draw, Rob Has A Podcast fantasy football
     competitor, new Charlie's Angel number...let's say two.

Better late than never, I spent the last twelve days making my way through all five seasons of "Friday Night Lights", which I really enjoyed. Except for some key parts that I didn't. And since I'm about six years too late on getting in on this party, I really don't have anyone to bounce these thoughts off of. So I turn to you, faithful blog.

So many of the show's problems have already been written to death about - the Tyra/Landry murder plot, Santiago, everything else about season two, its complete inability to handle a story about crime with any grace - so I'll spare you. But the Tyra/Landry murder story did leave me thinking about an aspect of storytelling that to me felt so obviously wrong that I can't believe the writers went down that path.

If you could just go ahead and shut up about how NBC broadcasts the Olympics, that'd be great

     Opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics in London.

There's been a fair bit of outrage on Twitter tonight regarding NBC's presentation of the opening ceremonies of the 2012 London Summer Olympics. Some of it is deserved, like the excessive commercial breaks that wouldn't be necessary if NBC didn't overpay for the television rights to these games again. Some if it is totally deserved - if Bob Costas and Matt Lauer did indeed spend the duration of Kazakhstan's entrance in the Parade of Nations talking about Borat (as Twitter tells me they did) then obviously that's not journalism and just very ignorant. That being said, allow me to offer a couple bullet point forms of defense.

- Tape delay: There are pros and cons here. You have to keep in mind both that a) there is a 5 hour time difference between London and the east coast of the United States, and b) NBC is still a television network that makes most of its money broadcasting in primetime. The argument that social media has killed the tape delay is only half right. Sure, CBS should continue to be nailed for tape delaying the Grammys every year on the West Coast considering they air on a Sunday and are produced in Los Angeles; but NBC should not be nailed for airing this event in primetime because fun fact: the majority of Americans were working today, a Friday, at 4:00pm eastern time and would have no way of seeing this event live. That's not to say that one of NBC's cable channels, like USA, couldn't have aired this live instead of the three reruns of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" that it aired during those hours instead. That's because it's much easier for them to do that than for NBC to clear three hours from every one of their affiliates to air the opening ceremonies live. An event this big is going to be talked about, even if it's three hours later than when it actually happened. The West Coast tape delay of the opening ceremonies are proving that right now. NBC Sports is another contended to air this event live, but at the time they were already showing Olympic coverage in the form of men's soccer.

- America, ra-ra-ra: Please stop. America is far from the only nation to do this. If you watched CTV's coverage in Canada as I did, then you must remember watching Brian Williams and Lisa LaFlamme babble over footage of Canadian athletes walking through the entire stadium as between five and ten countries behind them were ignored entirely. The countries with the biggest teams, like Australia, Canada, and the U.S. among others, will usually have commercials aired over them because nobody wants to watch 200+ person teams walk through the stadium as the commentators have run out of things to read from the notes they printed off Wikipedia. The Olympics are extremely political, so it's kind of pointless to complain when more coverage is given to a team of hundreds than to a team of 4. Also, coverage will always vary by country because they're trying to try to offer you a take on the games from your own nationality. Because of the primetime tape delay NBC uses, they get complaints about their coverage focusing too much on the American team. Umm...what? They have three primetime hours to sum up the day's highlights, and the people who watch the games in that format want to hear first and foremost about the American team. Canadian television operates on a different model and because of that, coverage will be ongoing all throughout the day on the main CTV network and can therefore more easily cover a broader scope of nations that will otherwise be ignored. Don't blame NBC - this would happen on any major American network. It's just the biz, folks.

TV Review: Two seasons in, "Happy Endings" should have no trouble living up to its title

     "Happy Endings" cast, left to right: Zachary Knighton,
     Eliza Coupe, Damon Wayans Jr., Casey Wilson, Adam Pally,
     and Elisha Cuthbert. (Not pictured: cougar)

You may have noticed over the last couple of years (or longer, even) that certain TV seasons were dominated by a recurring theme or premise.

For example, last year ABC picked up three comedies about the plight of the white male: the first was "Last Man Standing", in which Tim Allen somehow baffled-by-modern-culture'd his way into a second season. The second was its original timeslot partner "Man Up", in which three white guys played video games in their basements while their wives looked on derisively (at least until November, when they were cancelled). The third, and easily the biggest offender, was "Work It" in which men were desperate enough to dress up in drag and act in one of the worst series in the history of television.

The year before that, however, was the year of the sitcom that followed the hijinks of three couples, connected in some way, that were each in different stages of their relationships. The first to premiere was ABC's "Better with You", which wasn't very funny but starred a lot of likeable people, like Joanna Garcia and Debra Jo Rupp. Next up was NBC's "Perfect Couples" which was just as unfunny and incredibly similar in almost every way except for being a single camera show (seriously, they even had Kyle Bornheimer compete against "Better With You"'s Josh Cooke as duelling showkillers - although as expected, both lost again.). Fox also had a similar setup with a comedy called "Traffic Light", which featured fewer couples but wasn't any funnier.

And just as all of those shows had either died or were about to die, in came the season's closing act: ABC's "Happy Endings", which is sometimes funnier in singular episodes than those other three shows combined.

2012 Emmy nominations post-mortem: The surprises, the snubs, and the shameful

     Kerry Washington of ABC's "Scandal" and late night host
     Jimmy Kimmel present the nominations for the 64th Primetime
     Emmy Awards.

The Primetime Emmys sting of disappointment every year, and this year they stung even earlier. Not long before the nomination announcements, Nick Offerman from Parks and Recreation Reads Tweets From Young Female Celebrities had to bail on announcing because of a travel delay. In the end, though, I was glad that the actor giving the funniest performance on television did not have to get up so early in the morning to announce to the world that his own show, the best comedy on TV, was being ignored in favour of shows that move at a glacial level in terms of character development and humour, like The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family.

I could write long, generic paragraphs about what I liked and didn't like, but I'd better go through the major awards category by category, so as to keep my thoughts under control and in their proper places. I'll also make note of who I think should win (as in who I feel is most deserving and who I want to win) and who I think will win. I have nothing to say about the miniseries and movie categories, so why waste time trying to write about them? A combination of joy and disgust after the break.

My hypothetical 2012 Emmy ballot

The nominations for the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards will be announced in a little more than 32 hours, so before that, I reveal my hypothetical Emmy ballot for I guess record's sake, as well as which nominee I'd vote for to win. I stuck to acting and series categories because I feel like there's too much to sort through with writing and directing categories and the variety and reality categories bored me. Onward...