Sunday, August 12, 2012

Showtime's "Episodes" sucks: Here's how to make it better

     The greatest comedians of our lifetime, the stars of the most
     important and influential television comedy of our generation.

Showtime's "Episodes", allegedly a comedy series, has not made me laugh once in nine episodes. So I came up with some ways to make the show better, or perhaps to improve your viewing experience. Even though I suggested refocusing the show on other characters/anatomical parts, Matt LeBlanc has to get credit for starring in a TV show in 2012 and not being the worst part of it. Here are my suggestions:

- Matt LeBlanc's gigantic penis becomes the new star of the show. Also, the penis can talk and suddenly "Episodes" starts beating its timeslot competitor, a reviled American remake of a beloved British comedy, in the ratings. They could keep LeBlanc to do a funny voice for the penis if they wanted to

- The head of comedy becomes the new star of the show. She can make funny faces and talk in her pseudo-valley girl voice and everyone will LOL

- The smarmy network lady who tells lies on behalf of the network president should have to interact with Superintendent Chalmers in every scene. Even Chalmers becomes skeptical of her lies

- Showtime subscriptions will now come with a fax machine. This will allow all the hacky multi-cam sitcom jokes to be immediately identified as jokes to the home viewers

- Every time Character A beats around the bush about something, finally says what's on their mind, followed by Character B saying "There it is!" without missing a beat, Louis C.K. and Michael Schur each get twenty dollars

- When a character pauses to wait for the non-existant laugh track applause to subside, drink an entire bottle of wine

- Sean and Beverly should literally faint whenever they find out that someone in the entertainment business told them a lie

- Wouldn't this be an awesome venue for the Friends reunion which is totally happening?!?!?!?! I heard Jennifer Aniston is dropping everything to jump at this incredible opportunity!!!!!!!!!!!

- Have the fictional Matt LeBlanc finally host "Saturday Night Live" in which "Pucks!" is parodied in a sketch. Sean and Beverly complain that SNL took a beloved staple of American comedy and ruined it. Also, CBS/NBC peace summit or something.

- An entire episode where David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik fight television critics to the death, a la the fight scene in "Anchorman". Episode will be titled "Class Warfare"

If this were an actual episode of "Episodes", this would be the point where I'd clarify that everything I had just said immediately before was meant to be viewed comedically and I'm not actually suggesting that these things would improve the show. It's called sarcasm, you see. It's a pretty high form of wit, so it's understandable that you wouldn't be familiar.