And yet here I am again, with the 2015 Emmy ballots released online, pretending the Emmys are worth giving a damn about. But the reason I'm so excited about this post is because this is my chance each year to list my dream Emmy nominations and winners - the names that would be read out on the morning of Thursday, July 16 in a just world where enough Emmy voters were aware that "The Americans" is a weekly program created for television and broadcast over the airwaves for consumption by a mass viewership. I swear, it is. It's on every Wednesday night. On the television. This is an actual television program, hand to God. I'm not just making it up.
So until the actual garbage nominations are released, allow me to put my fingers in my ears and say "la-la-la I can't hear you, here is the correct television". Join me after the break, won't you?
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Andre Braugher for playing Captain Ray Holt on Brooklyn Nine Nine (Fox)
Hannibal Buress for playing Lincoln Rice on Broad City (Comedy Central)
Tituss Burgess for playing Titus Andromedon on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
Jaime Camil for playing Rogelio de la Vega on Jane the Virgin (The CW)
T.J. Miller for playing Erlich Bachman on Silicon Valley (HBO)
Steve Zissis for playing Alex Pappas on Togetherness (HBO)
My winner: So torn here...I want to pick Tituss Burgess based just on how many times that character made me laugh, but it's "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy," not "Funniest Supporting Actor". Therefore, Steve Zissis.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Gaby Hoffmann for playing Ali Pfefferman on Transparent (Amazon)
Carol Kane for playing Lillian Kaushtupper on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
Amy Landecker for playing Sarah Pfefferman on Transparent (Amazon)
Judith Light for playing Shelly Pfefferman on Transparent (Amazon)
Melanie Lynskey for playing Michelle Pierson on Togetherness (HBO)
Marsai Martin for playing Diane Johnson on Black-ish (ABC)
My winner: Judith Light somehow manages to shine in a show full of terrific performances.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Carrie Coon for playing Nora Durst on The Leftovers (HBO)
Christina Hendricks for playing Joan Holloway on Mad Men (AMC)
Charlotte Rampling for playing Jocelyn Knight on Broadchurch (BBC America)
Yael Stone for playing Lorna Morello on Orange is the New Black (Netflix)
Holly Taylor for playing Paige Jennings on The Americans (FX)
Lorraine Toussaint for playing Yvonne "Vee" Parker on Orange is the New Black (Netflix)
Samira Wiley for playing Poussey Washington on Orange is the New Black (Netflix)
My winner: This is my "I get one tie because I can't cut down to 6" category, so you can imagine how difficult it will be to pick one standout here. But fuck it, gun to my head, it has to be Carrie Coon.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Jonathan Banks for playing Mike Ehrmantraut on Better Call Saul (AMC)
Christopher Eccleston for playing Rev. Matt Jamison on The Leftovers (HBO)
Noah Emmerich for playing Stan Beeman on The Americans (FX)
Frank Langella for playing Gabriel on The Americans (FX)
John Slattery for playing Roger Sterling on Mad Men (AMC)
Jussie Smollett for playing Jamal Lyon on Empire (Fox)
My winner: Oh my god, that monologue Jonathan Banks gives is terrific. He deserves an Emmy for the sum total of that character.
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
Pamela Adlon for playing Pamela in the "Bobby's House" episode of Louie (FX)
Susie Essman for playing Bobbi Wexler in the "Knockoffs" episode of Broad City (Comedy Central)
Tina Fey for playing Marcia in the "Kimmy Goes to Court!" episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
Rita Moreno for playing Liliana de la Vega in the "Chapter Eighteen" episode of Jane the Virgin (The CW)
Kelly Ripa for playing Kelly Ripa in the "Coat Check" episode of Broad City (Comedy Central)
Emily Robinson for playing Young Ali Pfefferman in the "Best New Girl" episode of Transparent (Amazon)
My winner: Susie Essman is so terrific and I don't want to chalk up the success of that performance solely to the show casting her well as Ilana's mother.
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series
Josh Charles for playing Coach Thompson in the "Last Fuckable Day" episode of Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central)
Paul Giamatti for playing Juror #10 in the "12 Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer" episode of Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central)
Jon Hamm for playing Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne in the "Kimmy Makes Waffles!" episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
Dwayne Johnson for playing various characters in the "Dwayne Johnson/George Ezra" episode of Saturday Night Live (NBC)
Richard Kind for playing Mr. Lefkovitz in the "Kimmy Goes to School!" episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
Bradley Whitford for playing Marcy in the "Best New Girl" episode of Transparent (Amazon)
My winner: I laughed out loud at just about every single thing Richard Kind says in that "Kimmy Schmidt" episode but maybe that's more a writing achievement. Therefore, come on down Bradley Whitford.
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series
Raymond Cruz for playing Tuco Salamanca in the "Mijo" episode of Better Call Saul (AMC)
Trevor Einhorn for playing Johnny Mathis in "The Forecast" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Michael J. Fox for playing Louis Canning in the "Red Zone" episode of The Good Wife (CBS)
Robert Morse for playing Bertram Cooper in the "Lost Horizon" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Aaron Staton for playing Ken Cosgrove in the "Severance" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Courtney B. Vance for playing Clarence Parker in "The Lawn Chair" episode of Scandal (ABC)
My winner: Robert Morse, because a "Mad Men" actor needs an Emmy and why not him?
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series
Khandi Alexander for playing Maya Pope in the "Where the Sun Don't Shine" episode of Scandal (ABC)
Alison Brie for playing Trudy Campbell in "The Milk and Honey Route" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Margo Martindale for playing Claudia in the "I Am Abassin Zadran" episode of The Americans (FX)
Julianne Nicholson for playing Dr. Lillian DePaul in the "Blackbird" episode of Masters of Sex (Showtime)
Kiernan Shipka for playing Sally Draper in "The Milk and Honey Route" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Lois Smith for playing Betty in the "Do Mail Robots Dream of Electric Sheep?" episode of The Americans (FX)
My winner: I knew the second the episode aired - the second I watched the scene where her character dies - that if Lois Smith submitted herself in this category she would be my winner.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Olivia Colman for playing DS Ellie Miller on Broadchurch (BBC America)
Taraji P. Henson for playing Cookie Lyon on Empire (Fox)
Tatiana Maslany for playing Sarah Manning and her clones on Orphan Black (BBC America)
Elisabeth Moss for playing Peggy Olson on Mad Men (AMC)
Keri Russell for playing Elizabeth Jennings on The Americans (FX)
Abigail Spencer for playing Amantha Holden on Rectify (SundanceTV)
My winner: It's hard to ignore a great performance that defines, and quite frankly elevates, the entire series around her - Taraji P. Henson.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Jon Hamm for playing Don Draper on Mad Men (AMC)
Terrence Howard for playing Luscious Lyon on Empire (Fox)
Bob Odenkirk for playing Jimmy McGill on Better Call Saul (AMC)
Matthew Rhys for playing Philip Jennings on The Americans (FX)
Michael Sheen for playing Dr. William Masters on Masters of Sex (Showtime)
Aden Young for playing Daniel Holden on Rectify (SundanceTV)
My winner: HOW. HAS JON. HAMM. NEVER. WON. AN EMMY.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Louis C.K. for playing Louis C.K. on Louie (FX)
Nathan Fielder for playing Nathan Fielder on Nathan For You (Comedy Central)
Chris Geere for playing Jimmy Shive-Overly on You're the Worst (FX)
Jonathan Groff for playing Patrick Murray on Looking (HBO)
Thomas Middleditch for playing Richard Hendricks on Silicon Valley (HBO)
Jeffrey Tambor for playing Maura Pfefferman on Transparent (Amazon)
My winner: What a tremendous performance in a challenging role, especially so late in his career, for Jeffrey Tambor.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Aya Cash for playing Gretchen Cutler on You're the Worst (FX)
Abbi Jacobson for playing Abbi Abrams on Broad City (Comedy Central)
Ellie Kemper for playing Kimmy Schmidt on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
Gina Rodriguez for playing Jane Villanueva on Jane the Virgin (The CW)
Amy Schumer for playing various Amy Schumer fictionalizations on Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central)
Constance Wu for playing Jessica Huang on Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)
My winner: It's a shame the deep-rooted racism of the entertainment industry has kept Constance Wu from breaking out until now.
Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer for the "In Heat" episode of Broad City (Comedy Central)
Matt Kuhn for the "Fajita Man" episode of Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)
Charlie Day & Glenn Howerton & Rob McElhenney for the "Charlie Work" episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX)
Heidi Schreck for the "Serviam in Caritate" episode of Nurse Jackie (Showtime)
Alec Berg for the "Two Days of the Condor" episode of Silicon Valley (HBO)
Jill Soloway for the "Pilot" episode of Transparent (Amazon)
My winner: I cried laughing at Fresh Off The Boat's "Fajita Man". Actual tears. Matt Kuhn.
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Daniel Sackheim for the "March 8, 1983" episode of The Americans (FX)
Miguel Sapochnik for the "Hardhome" episode of Game of Thrones (HBO)
Keith Gordon for the "Two Boats and a Helicopter" episode of The Leftovers (HBO)
Phil Abraham for the "Lost Horizon" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Michael Apted for the "Fight" episode of Masters of Sex (Showtime)
SJ Clarkson for the "40 Oz. of Furlough" episode of Orange is the New Black (Netflix)
My winner: Keith Gordon for crafting a terrific building of suspense over a wonderfully tense hour of The Leftovers.
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
Richard Shepard for the "Sit-In" episode of Girls (HBO)
David Katzenberg for the "Barry Goldberg's Day Off" episode of The Goldbergs (ABC)
Matt Shakman for the "Charlie Work" episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX)
Brad Silberling for the "Pilot" episode of Jane the Virgin (The CW)
Dean Holland for "The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show" episode of Parks and Recreation (NBC)
Jill Soloway for the "Best New Girl" episode of Transparent (Amazon)
My winner: If any episode is a sheer directing achievement, it's "Charlie Work". Matt Shakman FTW.
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Joshua Brand for the "Do Mail Robots Dream of Electric Sheep?" episode of The Americans (FX)
Gordon Smith for the "Five-O" episode of Better Call Saul (AMC)
Robert King and Michelle King for the "Oppo Research" episode of The Good Wife (CBS)
Damon Lindelof and Kath Lingenfelter for the "Guest" episode of The Leftovers (HBO)
Erin Levy and Matthew Weiner for the "Time & Life" episode of Mad Men (AMC)
Stephen Falk for the "You Also Have a Pizza" episode of Orange is the New Black (Netflix)
My winner: Joshua Brand's "Americans" script is so terrific it made Lois Smith's performance look easy.
Outstanding Limited Series
American Crime (ABC)
Cucumber (Logo)
The Honourable Woman (SundanceTV)
Olive Kitteridge (HBO)
Wolf Hall (PBS)
The Wrong Mans (Hulu)
My winner: I think the only one of these I actually watched in its entirety was Cucumber, which doesn't have a shot in hell at a nomination.
Outstanding Television Movie
Bessie (HBO)
BoJack Horseman: Sabrina's Christmas Wish (Netflix)
Nightingale (HBO)
My winner: I'm so bad with movie and miniseries categories. Wouldn't it be funny if the BoJack Horseman Christmas special won this though?
Outstanding Main Title Design
BoJack Horseman (Netflix)
Fortitude (Pivot)
Halt and Catch Fire (AMC)
The Leftovers (HBO)
Transparent (Amazon)
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
My winner: The test of a great opening title sequence is if I never fast forward through it - and through 17 episodes of Halt and Catch Fire I have always anticipated its fantastic opening title sequence.
Outstanding Reality Competition Program
The Chair (Starz)
Face Off (SyFy)
King of the Nerds (TBS)
MasterChef Junior (Fox)
Skin Wars (GSN)
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox)
My winner: The Chair, period, full stop, no discussion required.
Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality Competition Program
Curtis Armstrong and Robert Carradine for hosting King of the Nerds (TBS)
Cat Deeley for hosting So You Think You Can Dance (Fox)
Phil Keoghan for hosting The Amazing Race (CBS)
Gordon Ramsay for hosting MasterChef Junior (Fox)
McKenzie Westmore for hosting Face Off (SyFy)
My winner: Cat Deeley has always deserved more love than she's gotten from the Emmys, even if they finally smartened up and started nominating her a few years ago.
Outstanding Variety Special
Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden (Netflix)
Chelsea Peretti: One of the Greats (Netflix)
Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber (Comedy Central)
The Kennedy Center Honors (CBS)
Key and Peele Super Bowl Special (Comedy Central)
Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary Special (NBC)
My winner: Regardless of how "funny" the SNL special was, I think it's hard to argue with what a feat it was.
Outstanding Variety Talk Series
The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)
The Late, Late Show with James Corden (CBS)
Late Night with Seth Meyers (NBC)
The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore (Comedy Central)
My winner: Another full stop answer - Last Week Tonight.
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series
Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central)
Key and Peele (Comedy Central)
Kroll Show (Comedy Central)
Nathan For You (Comedy Central)
Portlandia (IFC)
Saturday Night Live (NBC)
My winner: The year of Schumer is in full swing - Inside Amy Schumer.
Outstanding Animated Program
Bob's Burgers (Fox)
BoJack Horseman (Netflix)
The Simpsons (Fox)
South Park (Comedy Central)
Toy Story That Time Forgot (ABC)
My winner: BoJack Horseman, a silly little show that dared me not to love it with each new episode.
Outstanding Drama Series
The Americans (FX)
Better Call Saul (AMC)
Empire (Fox)
Mad Men (AMC)
The Leftovers (HBO)
Orange is the New Black (Netflix)
Rectify (SundanceTV)
My winner: I still remember how blown away I was by season 2 of Orange is the New Black last summer. Funny that I've changed my stance on its categorization and I now think it's stupid that it's considered a drama even after it appealed.
Outstanding Comedy Series
Broad City (Comedy Central)
Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)
Jane the Virgin (The CW)
Louie (FX)
Silicon Valley (HBO)
Transparent (Amazon)
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix)
My winner: Seven great shows, but Transparent is on another level.
The nominations for the 67th Primetime Emmy Awards will be announced tomorrow morning, Thursday, July 16, at 11:30am EDT.
